When Christian wives abuse their husbands….

Welcome to Defender’s Voice. This is Dr.Paul. Thank you for joining us today. Please send us your questions to info@doctorpaul.org. Visit us www.doctorpaul.org to subscribe to our podcast and read my articles.

We are continuing our discussion on John’s problem with his wife. He wants to have sex with his wife and he is not getting anything. I started the conversation in my last video. Please watch it to understand the context of this video. Dr.Dheeraj made a comment on that video. Dheeraj is a psychiatrist. I am sure he has more exposure to this problem than me. So, John, you might want to contact Dheeraj to further explore this issue. Dheeraj added an interesting and essential dimension to the discussion about marital problems. Defenders Voice is about truth. It is not about political correctness. Current climate dictates that men are guilty by default and women are innocent by default. We should not make such a fallacy. We should look into each case to determine who is at fault. First, let us look into Dheeraj’s comment. 

“I am uncomfortable telling people like Bro John to find happiness and meaning in other things and ignore his sexuality.” Dr.Dheeraj 

    I did not tell John to find happiness in other things. I said, find it in God. Whether you are married or not, God should be the source of our happiness and meaning.  Also, I did not tell John to ignore his sexuality. My point is a Christian should find meaning and happiness first in a relationship with Lord Jesus Christ and pursue legitimate pleasures under the will of God. There is a paradox in Christian faith. You gain by losing. When you follow the Lord, you do your best in all areas of your life. 

    As I said, God created sex for human enjoyment. You will get maximum happiness in sex when you follow God. To illustrate this point, let us say, you bought an iphone. You are wondering how to use it to the best of its efficiencies.  Imagine Steve Jobs, who designed the iphone called you and offered you an apprenticeship on iphone. He wants to teach you everything about the iphone. Who can you teach you more about something than its Creator? That is the idea I am focusing on here. If you want to have maximum happiness in your sex life, go to God who created the human body, its hormones, and its sexual organs. 

   The Secular world completely distorted human sexuality, because it is in rebellion against God. Circumcision is used as a sign of obedience to God. The fullest display of human rebellion against God occurs in that area, in our  sexual practices. Read the Old Testament. The people of Israel rebelled against God because they were constantly drawn to pagan gods. Those pagan gods put no restrictions on their sexual behavior. Our modern world has the same problem with the God of the Bible. Their main complaint against God is he is invading their privacy. He is restricting their sexual freedom. 

   We don’t share that view. We see sexuality as a gift of God to be enjoyed. The heathen looks at God as someone stealing their happiness from their sex life. We look at God as someone enriching our sexual lives with his commandments. Both men and women should follow the Christian principles. That is why I ended my previous video with what Apostle Paul taught us in his epistle to Ephesians. Paul says, ‘Husbands, love your wives’; ‘Wives, submit to your husbands’. It’s like yin and yang.  It is a complementary relationship. It takes two to tango. Both husband and wife should do their God given responsibilities to make their marriage a successful union. 

     Then, Dheeraj wrote, “John has exhausted his reserve for “showing her more love and attention”. Indeed there is sexual abuse in marriage. Repeated refusal is one such method.  I find even non Christian ladies taking their husband ‘s sexual needs seriously, realizing that there can be consequences  like him straying. Some Christian wives realize their Christian husband is bound by his Christian commitment and therefore take the husband for granted. 

    A guy holds back trying to work his relationship with his wife and then at a point he realizes that it is draining him more than getting him something. He becomes open to fulfilling his sexual needs outside marriage in form of paid sex or an affair without disturbing domestic set up.  However these stories do come out. Christian wife then says he used to abuse her by asking for sex repeatedly and now has shown his colors. She would get a divorce and get support.  

   In fact these stories turn away men from the institution of marriage and commitment.  The point is no one is worried about a snake without fangs. You are afraid of what can bite. Christianity takes the bite away from men and the law gives extra fangs to women.  I hear this Bro John. I have seen similar stories in India.”

    Dheeraj made a great observation about wives abusing husbands, which has become very common in our world today. What I told you earlier in my video is about when a couple deal with a problem with sincere hearts. If there is no sincerity in heart, it gets complicated. Dheeraj wrote that Non-Christian wives provide sex to their husbands lest he go out and mess with other women. Christian wives take advantage of their Christians husbands because they could not cheat on them because of their Christian commitments. If they do, that becomes a pretext to take divorce and get support.’ 

    It’s a trap. Sadly, this is also happening in our world today. Dheeraj wrote, “Christianity takes the bite away from men and the law gives extra fangs to women.” 

That is a good thing. We have men dousing gasoline on their wives and setting them ablaze. We have men pouring acid on their wives’ faces. We have men poisoning their wives and all kinds of other atrocities. So, if Christianity takes the bite away from men and makes them harmless, that is a good thing. If you suffer because you are a Christian, it is a blessing. We read in 1 Peter 4:16, “If any man suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf”. 1 Peter 4:16

  Apostle Peter says that if you suffer because you are a Christian, don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t feel ashamed, but glorify God. ‘My wife is not satisfying me, so I will go out and meet my sexual needs somewhere else’: That is not scriptural. In his interview with Abdu Murray, at one point Josh McDowell asks about Ravi Zacharias’s sex life with his wife Margie. Josh says that if Ravi were having a great sex at home, that might have prevented him from abusing other women. This thinking seeped deep in our culture. Men were justified to look elsewhere because they are not satisfied with their wives. I don’t think that is scriptural. ‘I am not satisfied at home, so I will go to a spa and play with the massage therapist.’ That is not right. 

   You love your spouse so much, yet she is not showing any interest in you. You are like a Christian incel. A Christian ‘involuntary celibate’. Then you should have an honest conversation. The Bible is clear in that matter. Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:3, 

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise also the  wife unto the husband”

                             1 Corinthians 7:3

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and the wife should fulfill her marital duty to her husband. 

‘I don’t want to fulfill my marital duties, I am just waiting to collect my benefits and walk out of this marriage’. That is not right. Paul says, 

‘Do not deprive one another’ 

      1 Corinthians 7:5

In verse 15, he says, 

‘But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace’. 

              1 Corinthians 7:15

In Christian marriage, husband and wife have marital duties toward each other. They should not deprive one another emotionally, financially, psychologically and  physically. But if there is some ulterior motive like divorce, then that person has no regard for the Word of God. That person should be considered an unbeliever. If that person wants to leave, let her leave. 

But if husband and wife have sincere hearts with no ulterior motives, the Bible has great advice to improve their marital life and sexual intimacy. 

  Ephesians 5:33 says,

 ‘Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her’

          Ephesians 5:33

    Christ and his bride, the Church. Christ is like the husband and church is like a wife. Christ loved his church unconditionally and offered himself for the church. A husband should reflect this image of Christ in his marriage. On the other hand, the Church should submit to Christ. A wife should reflect this image of Church in her marriage. 

     Husband should love his wife and the wife should respect and submit to her husband. It is easy to submit to someone who loves you. So, if you love your wife in words and actions, you will make it easy for her to submit to you, even in bed. Husband should love, the wife should submit. It is hard to love someone who does not submit. It is hard to submit to someone who does not love. But, if you both do your parts, your bond will get stronger. 


  When you pray together, your hearts and minds come together. In prayer, you open your hearts and minds before God. It brings fellowship between you and your wife. Confess your sins before God. That cleans up any guilt that hinders your fellowship with one another and with God. So, spend more time in prayer. That enhances your fellowship, it brings your hearts and minds together and soon your bodies will be united. 

     Prayer brings you and your wife into a common bond. Talking about bonds, I heard something interesting today. Suppose if you buy a Treasury Bond from the government, the government is obligated to pay you back with interest at the maturity of that bond. Oxford English dictionary says the root of the word bond is the middle English word band, one meaning of which is a plain ring for the finger, such as a wedding ring. So a Treasury bond and a wedding ring are both promises. Then the economics professor said, ‘in its entire history, the United States has never broken its Treasury bone promises. It has never defaulted on a bond. It has always kept its promises to pay. The same cannot be said for the promises made by those who exchange rings’. That is tragic. The US government never failed on a Treasury bond. I made a promise and I will keep it. I said, I will pay and I will pay. In contrast, we are failing to keep our promises we made before God. Marriage is a bond. When you and your spouse pray, it will strengthen your bond. It will strengthen your intimacy. It will protect your marriage from divorce and separation. 

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